Rejoice, dear brother, dear sister. There is much to smile about than to cry. Allah isn't trying to give you grief. Allah is trying to give you His love. Be brave, the worst will be over soon.

Peace be upon you my Beloved

If I could write you a love letter, ya Rasulallah, these be the words I would say.

If I could trace every step you had taken, I would kiss each one, every grain of sand, every stone. If at night lovers whisper prayers in the dark, I would shed my tears, gather them in bottles and water the trees that have grown big giving salawah to you.

I miss you ya Rasulallah.

If only you were here to guide these poor desperate lost souls back into the light. Look at the blood they've shed; from brothers, children and women. Look at the young lasses who have given their bodies to the lust of men. How much sin we've done ya Rasul. Shame shadows my visage. I have made many mistakes that would've angered you.

How can we betray you? All you did was love us, guide us, protect us. All you had was compassion for us. Your heart was always forgiving, but we hadn't been able to forgive among ourselves, far off to forget.

Why did you have to leave us so soon? We needed you. We still need you. But, we just aren't good enough for your time. And Allah had given this test to us, to live without you.

How many of your Sunnah have we followed ya Rasulallah? Would you have asked us if you were still here... Had we been able to hold in our anger when it sparked? Have we given to the poor and needy? Had we judged strangers whom we'd just met with prejudice? Have we made our mothers happy? Our fathers? Would our good deeds have satisfied you?

I miss you ya Rasulallah. I still wish you were here to hold my hand through these hard times. Had I come to see you where you've been resting, but I just didn't make it. Maybe someday. Maybe someday I'll see you in Jannah. Do come visit me ya Rasul. Your Jannah is so high up, would I never be able to reach you.

I love you ya Rasulallah. I will make you proud someday. Wait for me oh my beloved. Wait for that day to come. I pray it will.

Blessed

Back to basics, they always say. Every easy thing has proven to be difficult at first. My teacher once told me, a good thing should be constantly practised.

Eversince I stepped out of school I believe I've left behind many good traits I had. Maybe it was because there I had a watchful eye scrutinizing my every move. But out in the big world, I had forgotten, Allah is still watching.

I feared people judging me. I feared them calling me arrogant, an angel-face, masking other things. But truthfully I had forgotten, even where people never stop judging me, Allah will never judge me. He will only judge me when I return to Him.

I have but a few months left till my crucial examinations. I am not ready as of right now. But I will make this worth this time. I will be ready. I will be who I am needed to be. For myself, for my family, and for my fellow brothers and sisters in Islam whom I will be leading in my near future life.

I have forgotten that within my every suffering throughout these years, Allah had been testing me, and reserving a gift for me, a greater good to all my efforts.

I have looked around me, every time to remind myself that there are many people going through the same hardships as I am. I do not want them to fail. And lest they should fall, I must be there to catch them. If I should fall, Allah will catch me. And I must open my heart and let Him help me.

I cannot give up. Enough pain this world causes every lonely heart. I will not stand around letting it further hurt me. It's time to heal. Big time. It's time to push forward.

I have dreams for this lifetime. They will come true. I'll give it my best. I've given it my 100%, I'll give it my 110% now. Allah loves me and He promises to be there always. I know I can do this. Even if at the end, I have nothing to fight for, I need to keep my faith and just keep moving forward.

And when the time comes, I will return to Him. And I will return in ecstasy.

You know I can't smile without you. I can't smile without you. I can't laugh, and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything. You see I feel sad when you're sad. I feel glad when you're glad. If you only knew what I'm going through, I just can't smile without you~ -Fave song-

In the holy Quran, Allah said ((..patience is beautiful)). Bearing grief takes a lot of patience, doesn't it? Hence sadness is beautiful too. We need the bad to appreciate the good, else we'd be among those who are not grateful.

Ready

"Rezeki orang lain-lain" my teacher used to tell me when I was still in school. And I always feared, what if I 'takder rezeki'?

I will have to live without, in constant grief, deprived of the things or people I need to live a good life here. At the very least, good enough. Now I'm not too sure.

I was always a student. Always learning in my own way. I learn through observing, through listening, feeling, and going through experiences. To flip through pages of a book was heavy for me. Leisure reading was an on and off thing.

Now my life hangs on a breaking promise, and something I never truly could've done on my own. Am I really alone to go through this?

I never understood why Allah has brought me this far. Will I ever be the leader that is needed of me to be? I was raised in Maarif, I thought, to protect me. My parents were very protective folks. I was almost imprisoned in my own house for years, lacking many various social skills. The only good thing was that I had a flair for language.

Is it true that I was destined for great things? I can never really say. I've been the only one in my entire family to have grown up in the madrasah system, fluent in the aspects of piety. Influential.. I don't really know. On paper, I believed I can say anything and change anyone's heart, but seems lately, there is one person whose heart I just had not been able to change.

I always thought I was good at what I do, and still manage to keep a humble, down-to-earth image. I was never the one who stands out, just another face in the crowd.

I have had dreams, so many, I couldn't remember which I had left behind. Perhaps more than I have left. But I kept a strong and steadfast heart these years, let it grow, let it learn, let it be. No part of me is phoney. No part of me is trying to mask flaws and imperfections within me. I am what I am. More or less that is what you see.

Today I write in a steady flow, not really thinking what it is I needed to say. I just know this has to be personal, private. This is something I'd wished to say to the few I'd like to say it to. Some may still be avail to read this, but others, maybe in the next life.

I've loved and lost. I've fought and lost. I've given and lost. I believe I've never won. Maybe this is the time to turn things around.

I have been afraid of many things. Mainly due to the reason I thought I was helpless, that I needed protection. And true enough, this world is full of evil and danger. But up to this day, I can save myself. Even where I couldn't have, Allah had saved me. Over and over again.

I suppose I am the most headstrong woman there is left in the world today. And I must stand confident, stride courageously. I am not that timid little mouse they had thought of me. I have many things going for me.

A Muslim never gives up. I never give up. I am down, I have been put down over and over again, but only the strong get back up. I get back up once I fall. I keep a prayer in my pocket, a song in my heart, memories in my head. I am just another woman, ready to face the world again.

Allah has brought me this far. He will be with me to hold my hand till the end. I do not fear, I do not despair. I am ready to start again.

It's all about Love

I believe love is innocence. Love is forgiveness. Love is faith. Love is sympathy. Love is when you look into the eyes of someone, and feel the hurt the other person is feeling inside, without the need to know his story, know what he's been through, where he's been. Love is ecstasy, just in loving.

I find it to be a divine power, too much of it that we can't control it, and it starts to hurt us in the deepest way. Isn't that why Allah owns all powers? Isn't that why Allah owns all love? Because Allah is like no other. Allah feels no hurt.

Unlike us, mere humans.. When Allah loves, He doesn't take back. When He loves, He gives everything to that person He loves, good health, money, a big family, many things a person can be proud of to have and hold, but does this man love Allah back? Does this man put his head down to the floor in submission to Allah? Or in gratitude for everything that he's been given?

Or does this man stick his head up into the clouds, arrogant, and thinks he's self-sufficient? Why are these men blind at heart? Pity them, they have everything..

And, what of those who do love Allah, but have nothing? What about someone rather young and brave, striking out into the world, yet of a first? What if all they have are the things they have lost and the things they are losing? What if, might I say, why is everything missing?

It is true most people take back their love from the ones they have given it to, to someone new. But isn't that bordering on primitive? Isn't that barbaric? How can one live with oneself, promising love and a heart to someone, then taking it back? How can you say you love someone when all things are going right, and when things only begin to go wrong, you say you no longer love?

How can I be a woman to love a man if I don't stand by my promises, my word, the heart that I gave to him? I grew on love, the way I grew up was based on the power of love, of what was given, and what was taken away. I know I have choices, much more than love they say. They say some things are bigger than love. But that's not what I see.

Love is the key to all good things, in my book. Love is compassion. Love is giving with nothing to take. Love is strength when you're feeling weak. Love is the ability to become, when you are merely nothing. Love is the safe place, when you find yourself lost in nowhere.

Love is Allah's strength, a great power wrapped in a small packaging known as the heart, tender, gentle. Love makes people do things beyond what they can do, accomplish things beyond their wildest imaginations. Love is a good thing.

Love is sacrifice. Sometimes, to give up some things we need the most, and let it return to someplace it belongs. Love is letting go. Even the person we love the most. Love is moving on. Love is to start again, even when we don't have the courage to.

Love is the song lonely people sing on cold nights when they have no one to sing to. Love is the feeling of peace in one's heart when he could finally do what he's never had the ability to do. Love is the accomplishment of something grand.

Love sometimes is saying goodbye. Love is walking away from someone you've known for years, someone you've been close to, someone you have sweet memories with, someone who has watched you grow, someone who has fed you when you were hungry, made you smile when you were unhappy, someone who protects you from something you really fear, someone who you don't want to live without. You say goodbye, not because you no longer love him, but because you are letting him return to the One who loves him more.

My love is simple. What I give, I never take back. When I love someone, I never stop loving. I love because I feel like I just do. When my heart speaks, I listen. I don't worry about things I cannot change. Seems this love is beyond me. I had not chosen to love you, bae. But if I had the choice, at the moment I could speak my first words, I would've asked my mother and father to bring me to you, to tell you that I love you. Because I just do. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for loving you this way, and will I ever learn to stop loving you..

A love confession

What kind of person is immune to falling in love? Are they that strong? Or their hearts were made of stone? Does that mean only the weak fall in love?

When I fall in love, I tremble at the blare of his ringtone, finding myself weakening at the sound of his voice. When he paces towards me, my heart just wants to make a run for it but my feet are frozen. When he looks at me, instinctively I look away, although all I wanted to do was just gaze into his eyes for hours and hours, if I could.

Love is not a fairytale. It is a reality with many sacrifices and hardships. And if I hadn't loved for Him, I had never loved. It is the utmost importance, in any degree of love, love with sincerity and with niyyah lillahi ta'ala. InsyAllah kullu khair.

Despite the complications, at the end of the day, your feelings won't change. Unless, it is His fair decision to change your heart. Keep prayers in your pocket, Allah is always near to grant them.

I confess, loving has not been easy. Sharp words slip, misunderstandings, raised voices. And for awhile I just took them in, I still forgave him. A man's heart is rock-hard, not too forgiving. Being a woman, just be the one to apologise. When he is the fire, you be the water.

To become someone's spouse, I must be able to obey, lower my head and lower my heart to my husband's wishes. The obedient wife is promised Jannah. That is the greatest gift anyone can ask for.

But of course some men are gentle by nature. Not too fussy, don't get angry easily. Some are very submissive. May Allah bless them. To those who are less of that, you'll find your way.

Anyway, no matter the hardships and the pain, love stays. Where else can it go? At one point, you can get so mad at someone. Slip of the tongue, jealousy and whatnot, but when you just sit down to clear out your mind, and notice his picture on your wallpaper, your heart just cools down.

You realise you can never stay angry at him. That each time he pushes you away, you just want to be closer. Every time his words hurt you, you want to heal him. For every sorry he does not say, you say it for him. Some people say love is just crazy. But what is it really? Isn't it just love? And I'd do anything for it, I wish you could just see that, bae.

Thank You for loving me

I have never been Your perfect servant I admit to all bounds. I have sins I can never regret enough of. Sins I thought You have forgiven, but given the punishment I receive up to this day, there must be something I'm missing.

And there are some nights I pray that You continue to punish me, considering I deserve all this pain. But someone once told me, not to ask to be punished, but to ask to be forgiven. For soon in time, I can no longer bear such pain prolonging.

And I believe You do love me, You still love me against all odds. And no one in the world will ever love me the way You do. No one has ever given me compassion the way You do. No one ever cared so much what I had to go through.

A cruel world much proven of its cruelty. A cold world where every person lives for only himself. For as long as he has no reason to live for someone else. How can such reason suffice?

Today I thought I was unfortunate. But I was clearly wrong. For there are plenty out there more unfortunate than I.

Ya Allah, how can I read these words and not wholly understand the meaning? Allahu akbar. Allah Maha Besar. How can I not see how Great You are? That I only see it, when You take away someone I most love? When You take away something most important to me? When You take away someone so close to me?

You are stronger than anyone I'll ever know. You are greater. You can take away everything from me, and yet You love me the most. How can I not see that through these simple words? Allahu akbar.

Had I been too intoxicated with worldly things that I lose some part of my sanity? Have I strayed from Your path? For I claimed with each happiness I had, I thought of You first. Allahu akbar. MasyAllah. SubhanAllah.

If ever I had forgotten, that is my mistake. I am the one to blame if I ever forget to remember You. I pray You will always forgive my flaws, and the flaws of those I love because of You. I pray for change, for better.

If I had not loved for You, there is no point to my love. Everything belongs to You. And to You everyone will return. I will return to You too someday. Until that day comes, my life goes on.

Your love for me can be measured by the amount of time I still have left. Time is a gift. For some, time strengthens the weak. For others, time heals the wounded and mends the broken. For me, time is Your sympathy. Prayers for every Muslim to live safely and happily in Your straight and narrow path to Jannah. Ameen ya Rabb.

First Friday?

Had I not been ever more exhausted in my life I can't quite point out which and when. The usual can never be more usual as that of today. But mainly I believe today to have a bit more flurry and purpose. Today I prove, that I can too be what others may be.

Today had I gotten a wee bit emotional and almost wept in a small crowd of total strangers in a moving vehicle. But quite frankly I have adapted to keep these emotions at bay, even when I cannot hide the inevitable, nor can I change it for that matter.

Even as I just sit here there is so much to wonder about. Why are memories meant to remember even as they sometimes drill deep into a tender heart? Why do I choose to remember, let alone that I cannot forget?

Ah, and there I've strayed. Today I'd shown my folks that, I can take the reigns of the horse I intend to ride. And seems they were more convinced of the claim than I was. But how was that possible?

I reckoned they have found their once lost trust in me. And I perhaps, well, still searching for that trust in me.

And again I sit here submerged in thought. Why does this emptiness linger in my soul? A hole in my heart. A deep lake of crystal tears within. None of light. None that breathes.

Tonight I put these thoughts to sleep, and tomorrow, life goes on.

Me before I begin

Here I am starting over. Some wise men say that every new day is a new beginning, a day to start over, rectifying wrongs, repenting from sins. Each man is given a gift of a day everyday as long as he lives. It is up to him to choose what he may do with it.

Yesterday I was yet a woman dressing into her new clothes of womanhood, lost in a few decisions and henceforth bound to retreat to my old girly suits of endless fear and dependence on another person, anyone other than myself.

But what have these years taught me, I asked myself; the many trials and attempts and pursuits and searching, the circles that never end, hence the paranoia of getting back to square one?

How broadly I look at the world then lose sight from looking at too many and wondering about things that don't pass my way. Is it therefore I wander mostly? Where is my direction in this world?

I know the answer to that. To seek His love and compassion. To seek Him. To find out why He brought me all the way here to this strange world of sadness and happiness. And maybe someday soon I will find the straight and narrow path to Heaven, and it'll be worth the wait.

And so I begin.