Ready

"Rezeki orang lain-lain" my teacher used to tell me when I was still in school. And I always feared, what if I 'takder rezeki'?

I will have to live without, in constant grief, deprived of the things or people I need to live a good life here. At the very least, good enough. Now I'm not too sure.

I was always a student. Always learning in my own way. I learn through observing, through listening, feeling, and going through experiences. To flip through pages of a book was heavy for me. Leisure reading was an on and off thing.

Now my life hangs on a breaking promise, and something I never truly could've done on my own. Am I really alone to go through this?

I never understood why Allah has brought me this far. Will I ever be the leader that is needed of me to be? I was raised in Maarif, I thought, to protect me. My parents were very protective folks. I was almost imprisoned in my own house for years, lacking many various social skills. The only good thing was that I had a flair for language.

Is it true that I was destined for great things? I can never really say. I've been the only one in my entire family to have grown up in the madrasah system, fluent in the aspects of piety. Influential.. I don't really know. On paper, I believed I can say anything and change anyone's heart, but seems lately, there is one person whose heart I just had not been able to change.

I always thought I was good at what I do, and still manage to keep a humble, down-to-earth image. I was never the one who stands out, just another face in the crowd.

I have had dreams, so many, I couldn't remember which I had left behind. Perhaps more than I have left. But I kept a strong and steadfast heart these years, let it grow, let it learn, let it be. No part of me is phoney. No part of me is trying to mask flaws and imperfections within me. I am what I am. More or less that is what you see.

Today I write in a steady flow, not really thinking what it is I needed to say. I just know this has to be personal, private. This is something I'd wished to say to the few I'd like to say it to. Some may still be avail to read this, but others, maybe in the next life.

I've loved and lost. I've fought and lost. I've given and lost. I believe I've never won. Maybe this is the time to turn things around.

I have been afraid of many things. Mainly due to the reason I thought I was helpless, that I needed protection. And true enough, this world is full of evil and danger. But up to this day, I can save myself. Even where I couldn't have, Allah had saved me. Over and over again.

I suppose I am the most headstrong woman there is left in the world today. And I must stand confident, stride courageously. I am not that timid little mouse they had thought of me. I have many things going for me.

A Muslim never gives up. I never give up. I am down, I have been put down over and over again, but only the strong get back up. I get back up once I fall. I keep a prayer in my pocket, a song in my heart, memories in my head. I am just another woman, ready to face the world again.

Allah has brought me this far. He will be with me to hold my hand till the end. I do not fear, I do not despair. I am ready to start again.